I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
