I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
