i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
she pinky promised me she was 18
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
