a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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