How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
