I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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