so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
