Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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