She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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