Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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