I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize