I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
