you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Be still, my beating vagina.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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