I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
