Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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