Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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