if i can run in heels then i can drive
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
