Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
