Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
