Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Randomize
