I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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