I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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