I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
