Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
