I can text with my tongue
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
