In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
