two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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