They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
