it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
