I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
