I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize