im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
