if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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