I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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