Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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