Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
