I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
