Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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