I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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