I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
