im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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