Three words: puerto rican gang bang
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Randomize
