I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
