I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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