Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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