I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
