When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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