Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
