he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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