I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
love makes seman taste better
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
