For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
