i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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