all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize