There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
