and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm at about main and main street
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
