did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
