I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
