I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
