I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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