Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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