He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Randomize
