her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
