I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
