Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize