Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
