God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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