I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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