I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
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