Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Don't make out with my wife yet
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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